Most of the consequences commonly used are, in essence, a time-out. They all distill down to the same core: a temporary loss of life's options, energies and relationships. The child's inner feeling is that of being out of the loop.

Under the Nurtured Heart Approach, I recommend using only a brief, clean time-out when it's consequence time. By "clean" I mean with absolutely no fanfare -- the simplest of instructions given with no energy or emotion. When a rule is broken, even to the slightest degree, say something like:
- "Oops, broke a rule. Time-out."
- "That's a broken rule."
- "Jody, time-out" or "Jody, reset."
- "Red light!" (Use "green light" to return to time-in.)
- "Pause!" (Use "play" to return to time-in.)

In other words, use whatever works for you but keep it simple and straightforward. Parents and teachers get wonderfully creative with their own versions.

Keep time-outs short! They can last anywhere from two seconds to a minute, but no more.
Yes, you read that right: two seconds to a minute. It works as long as the lavishly positive time-in is waiting on the other side.

If time-in is insignificant, this kind of time-out will have no effect whatsoever. If time-in is sufficiently strong, this kind of brief time-out can move mountains.

Back to Time-In

As soon as the child completes the time-out, take immediate advantage of the opportunity to point out more success. For example: "Andy, you sat so well through that time-out. I appreciate that you were able to accept the consequences of breaking a rule, even though you were angry with me for giving the time-out. That's a wonderful decision you made."

Even if you had to struggle to get him there, even if it took him a while to settle down -- somehow, some way, he eventually calmed down enough to complete the consequence. That needs to be commended. And that compliment will promote more great choices, cooperation and inner strength in the future.

What if a Child Refuses the Time-Out?

There will be times when a child absolutely refuses to do even the two-second version of the reset, particularly when you first begin to apply the Nurtured Heart Approach. She may dig in stubbornly, going to the mat to try to extract energized connection from you in response to her refusal. How should you handle this situation?

Remember that, from the standpoint of this approach, consequences are essentially an illusion. The truly desired movement in the direction of positive choices happens as a result of the child's ever-blossoming experiences of being reflected as successful and great. In this context, a time-out can be a blink of the eye; it can be the child's briefest moment of stillness. Even a movement toward stillness can be recognized and used to guide the child into success: "Great job, Jonah! Your time-out is over, and you did it even though you're feeling angry. I can see you making the effort to control yourself. Excellent judgment."

If you view time-out as consisting simply of the child being temporarily out of a game that's exciting to be part of, the child doesn't actually have to move a muscle or go anywhere. The time-out can be as simple as the adult turning away for a few moments, turning back and declaring it over and successful. It's the words denoting closure that give the child the perception of completion and of having had a result of the broken rule.

This intervention is guided by the principles relayed in the stories of Shamu and the toll-taker: purposely continue, even through a consequence, to move inexorably into more success and greatness.

Time-Out Tips

• DON'T escalate or energize when the child doesn't jump into time-out right away.
• DO allow the child a few moments to accept and begin the time-out. Nagging or pressuring the child to start the time-out is tantamount to handing out more $100 bills for poor choices.
• DON'T thank a child for completing the time-out without saying why you are appreciative. Then, rather than conveying that the child is doing you a favor; you are acknowledging that she has made a wise choice.
• DO acknowledge the child's self-control and ability to redirect himself; or his maturity in accepting the consequences of his actions; or the good example he's setting for his siblings by quickly accepting his time-out and getting back on track.
• DON'T explain which rule has been broken.
• DO trust that the child knows which rule has been broken. Keep a sharp eye out for demonstrations of that same rule being followed rather than broken, then reflect that back to the child: "Jenny, I see that you're now choosing to sit peacefully in your chair and eat your dinner instead of teasing your sister. You are following the rules now and showing good focus and respect for others."
• DON'T be roped into a battle over whether time-out is needed, or react to any displays of bad attitude that arise in response to the time-out.
• DO drain all the energy, relationship, effort, emotion and time from your responses to your child's negative reaction to a time-out. Remain unaffected by pleading, arguing, insults, tantrums and fussing engaged in by the child to try to get your features popping.
• DON'T add more time to the time-out in response to the child's resistance or spend time explaining the infraction after the time-out ends.
• DO just enforce the original time-out.
• DON'T designate a special place or area for time-outs. That just gives the child more ways in which to refuse and cause disruption. Your goal is always to spend as little time and energy on time-out as possible.
• DO carry out the consequence exactly where you are when the rule is broken. You can "accuse" the child of completing time-out successfully without his having moved an inch. It's the child's perception of the reset that counts in yielding the result.
• DON'T engage in any discussion or explanation of problems, hold grudges, point fingers, blame or give the consequence in a way that's shaming or humiliating.
• DO stay in the moment. Keep your cool, no matter what. Be strict, but not stern; use a calm but strong voice. Get the time-out over with and move on to the next moment. Simply deliver the consequence, each and every time a rule is broken, and make a big deal over the child's successful completion of the time-out.
• DON'T forget to close the time-out; don't give the child control over ending the time-out.
• DO always notify the child when a time-out has been successfully completed.
• DON'T allow the child to contribute in any way to whatever's going on while he's in a time-out.
• DO remember that the child is "out of the game" (of life) however briefly he is in time-out. Keep time-outs short and demonstrate how energy flows readily and generously as soon as the time-out ends.
• DON'T take rule breaking as a personal offense ("How could she keep DOING this to me? Is she TRYING to make me mad?").
• And DON'T seek apologies or promises ("Do you PROMISE never to do that AGAIN?").
• DO see the time-out as an interruption of the problem -- a diversion, not a punitive consequence. Optimally it serves as a perfect lead-in to the next, greater level of new success and a deepening of inner wealth.
• DON'T try to mediate the child's problem with others.
• DO watch for broken rules and successes, enforce rules and reflect successes; the rest will take care of itself.
• DON'T give a time-out in anticipation of a rule about to be broken. If a rule hasn't been broken, you can actually still applaud the success of the choice not to break a rule.
• DO remember that either a rule has been broken or it hasn't. Expect success. If you expect success, your child will succeed.
• DON'T back off on the positives when things are going well.
• DO crank up the positive recognition when good behavior is occurring. If you use positive recognition only to suppress bad behavior, your children will pick up on this, and you'll get more bad behavior. Kids know where the juice is!
• DON'T turn away and ignore a broken rule. A foot on the line is a foot on the line. Even a tiny bit of a threat or aggression or arguing is still a broken rule.
• DO maintain a high standard for desired behavior. Never waver when it's enforcement time.
• DON'T remind children of the rules: "Remember, no feet on the furniture. Hey, didn't I just say no feet on the furniture?"
• DO give time-outs consistently and with no reminders or warnings. If you find yourself repeating a rule, it's time to start enforcing it. If you find yourself thinking, "My children have forgotten the rules," your enforcement needs to be stricter -- and you need to make a point of celebrating when that rule is not being broken. Keep commending your children for even the smallest degrees of appropriate effort, attitude and action.

The two main reasons that conventional consequences fail: First, they are given "uncleanly," muddied with parents' emotional attachment to the rules being followed by way of the gift of relationship at he wrong time; and second, because the time-in -- the "in-the-game" feeling of success -- is not strong enough. Unclean, emotionally loaded consequences are confusing to children. And if the game isn't exciting, if that isn't really where all the great action is, children can feel like they're missing out on something, and they may turn to rule-breaking.

Time-out is not a punishment. Time-out is a kind and unceremonious result of a rule being broken. It's a message to the child that says, "Here's a chance to check yourself…to control your impulses and get back in the game, where all the juice is." This consequence has the "kiss of forgiveness" built right in; by design, it moves the child right back into success.

I contend that lack of forgiveness is holding onto the past in thoughts, energies or actions. True forgiveness is demonstrated by "energetically" moving on cleanly to the next NOW.

If another rule is broken, administer another time-out/reset to give the child a chance to get himself back under control. Do it as many times as you need to. Make no reference to whether the child has already gotten a time-out. Stay in the moment.