Strictness is...about keeping the standard for desired behavior very high. It's about never wavering when it comes time to enforce a rule.

Consequences: Building Greatness
One can have a good life without purpose, but without purpose one will never experience the beauty of a great life. Conversely, with a life of great purpose, you can have a less than perfect existence but still feel tremendous fulfillment. Through living a life of purpose, you help so many others manifest greatness: by being your own greatness, you draw others into your inspired energy field.

Consequences are an extremely important window of opportunity to support children in finding and fulfilling their purpose. A child exposed to clear limits and clear results will eventually internalize great clarity and a great sense of order; these are of vital importance in identifying and fulfilling one's purpose in life.

Children no longer fight rules and consequences once they learn that the rule boundaries are solid and that the consequences for breaking rules are nothing to fear -- but that they also hold no attraction. They not only live with them: they collaborate with them. They fully accept the way the environment is organized and use the rules to focus their efforts toward mastery and achievement.

Focused effort is a trait of greatness, and once the issue of rules is no longer an obstacle, the child can apply this trait to catapult from level to level and experience the fun of attainment.

Confusing limits and punitive, escalating consequences draw children toward the energetic $100 bills that flow when rules are broken. That will never lead to order, organization and clarity. It will lead to sadness and confusion -- not qualities of greatness but obstacles to greatness.

Clear, clean limits and consequences are a gift that brings simplicity to a child. Simplicity is yet one more gift of greatness, as is the greatness of closure: that there is always a result of a violation or a mistake, but it has an end…and on the other side is yet more success -- often, greater levels of success than ever before.

The "kiss" of forgiveness that is inherent in being welcomed back into the game by way of these further successes is perhaps the greatest gift of all. This kind of forgiveness lends sweetness to the heart, opening it to new beginnings.

Time-Out, Warnings and Leaking Negativity
Leaks of negativity tend to spring forth quite readily when it's consequence time, or when parents see that rule breaking is about to transpire. Let's look at how this can happen and how you can maintain Stand III when giving a time-out or during the time when a child is approaching the line between rules not broken and rules broken.

Remember: everyone gives energy to negativity from time to time. You will find yourself doing so more often when you first begin the approach. Then, as you refine your unique version, you'll see more and more clearly where you're leaking. In many cases, your children's response to you will illuminate those leaks and help you figure out how to give your energy to positivity instead.

Here are a few of the most common negativity leaks. When you catch yourself in any of these, stop, take a breath, and get your three-legged table (each leg = one of the three Stands) strong again. This means returning to reflections of the positive, withdrawing energy from negative choices, and strictly enforcing the rules.

When you catch yourself leaking negativity, don't try to fix what's already been said -- just move into the next moment with your Stands intact.

Stern looks of warning.
What parent hasn't done this? It's probably the most common leak of all. Your child is about to break a rule or is in the process of breaking a rule; you catch her eyes with yours and give her 'The Look.' It's intended to say, "You'd better not do what I think you're about to do," or "You'd better knock that off right now!"

You may as well hand the child a gilded invitation that reads, "I non-verbally invite you to press the button that makes the fireworks go off." By throwing 'The Look,' you are also advertising your personal, emotional investment in the rules being followed. This is a major source of negativity.

In trying to prevent the child from breaking a rule -- in giving a warning -- you are working against the truth of the matter, which is that you cannot prevent a child from breaking a rule.

Warnings of any kind are commensurate with inadvertently energizing negativity. You are giving some degree of energy and relationship in the context of the child's poor choice.

Instead of a warning, give an unceremonious reset, and have that be a bridge to the next NOW of positive choice -- a means of alerting the child to his greatness.

"You're doing great, but I need you to ……. (i.e., do even better than you're currently doing)."
See the leak? Your message might seem positive, but you're pointing out the lack; in doing so, you're taking the wind out of the positive reflection's sails.

Would you give your child a beautifully wrapped box containing something he doesn't want? Would you give him some unpleasant-tasting but nice-looking cake and tell him, "Here's some cake, but it tastes pretty bad"? Would you say, "I love you, but if you start making your bed in the mornings, I'll love you even more"? Of course not. A positive reflection should never have a "but…" attached to it.

Any kind of energy and relationship in the context of negativity, no matter how well it's gift-wrapped, is still going to undermine your overarching intention of bringing your child to a new sense of inner wealth and greatness.

Comparing siblings to one another in a way that is denigrating to one sibling.

For example, you say "Your brother has HIS homework done" to his sister, who's not staying as focused and so is taking longer to finish. This might seem like a positive reflection of the brother, but you're being strongly negative toward his sister in the process.

Reinforce the brother: "I see you've finished your homework already. You stayed really focused and got it done -- that's showing great perseverance. Awesome work." The sister will hear what you're saying, believe me. And when she finally finishes, reflect her achievement, too: "I could see that it was hard for you to stay focused, but you hung in there. Now you're all done, and you've fulfilled your responsibility. That's real dedication. Great job."

Giving a time-out in a stern, accusatory or angry tone.

Remember, you are de-energizing negativity. You have no emotional stake in the rules being followed. Snapping "Okay -- that's a time-out!!" at a child who has broken the rule means you're giving him those $100 bills. You're letting him push your buttons. For time-outs to truly work, your child has to see irrefutably that there's no longer any gain for negativity.

"Wow -- even Tommy is helping with the chores today!"
Subtext: Tommy never helps with the chores. He gives everyone a hard time when he's asked to help with the chores. Actually, he enjoys starting messy projects while everyone else is trying to clean up. And look, today he's helping! Am I dreaming?

This is not positive reflection, nor is it staying in the moment. Even if you think you are witnessing a miracle akin to the parting of the Red Sea, don't respond like this to your child. He'll feel shamed, as though he can't escape the pattern of negative behavior. The above remark reflects being at least partially in the past, not truly in the moment. Stay in the present and celebrate the choice he is making in this very moment.

"Wowyrgreat" (positive words tossed out at lightning speed)
A genuine positive reflection can't be hurried. This doesn't mean it has to take a long time; you'll get to the point where these reflections flow easily and where they are virtually always clear, energized and specific. Until then, take the few extra seconds to put it all together in your mind and give your reflections in a measured, focused, clear way so that the child doesn't end up feeling like you're just trying to control his behavior with disingenuous remarks.

"Come on, kids, we're almost done!" (Or: "We're almost there," or some other statement that comes across like a pep talk instead of a positive recognition)

Let's say you're trying to get the table cleared and the dishes done with your children's help. They've been doing well so far, and you're feeling like you can let up on the positives. Then you notice a few clues that the wheels are about to fall off: Betsy starts drifting off toward the TV, hoping you won't notice; Cameron starts using the wooden spoons to drum on the trash can rather than putting them away. You exhort them with words designed to get them back on track -- and they quickly leap into rule breaking. What happened?

First, make sure that no rule is being broken. If no one has crossed the line and no time-outs are required, swallow the warning you might feel tempted to spout, and remember: Until inner wealth is solid and has a life of its own, it's too soon for you to let up on the positives.

Your children needed the recognitions to keep flowing in order to stay focused on how successful they were being in helping you out. The next thing that happened was a leak of negativity in the form of the mini-pep talk, where you essentially voiced your concern that they might not stick with it. Exasperation is a negativity leak. Don't go there. Instead, get the positives flowing again.

Now would be a good time for what Nurtured Heart trainer Tom Grove calls "no-fail directives": give each child a task at which he or she is highly unlikely to fail.

For example, you could say to Betsy, "I think I hear the TV. I need you to go and make sure it's turned off and then come back and help me dry these pots." Tell Cameron, "That's great musical accompaniment! I want you to play for me until I finish drying this platter, then go and put those spoons in the drawer." When they do as they're told, pour on the positives again. It's time-in!

Telling the child you're sorry that you have to give a time-out or other consequence; or patting the child or otherwise trying to comfort the child when a consequence is delivered.

If you recall your parents telling you, "This hurts me as much as it hurts you" when they punished you, you know how hollow that statement can be!

You do not have to commiserate with a child who has broken a rule. Doing so will give the child the impression that you have an emotional attachment to the rules being followed. Let the time-out be neutral and un-emotional. Don't apologize to the child for enforcing the rules. Let the reset/time-out happen and jump back into time-in.

Remember: time-out is an illusion. It's a reset, not a punishment, and there's nothing to fear in it, for you or the child.

"If you do that again, you'll get a time-out!" This warning breaks off all three legs of the three-legged table. It gives relationship to negativity, it avoids strictness, and it doesn't energize positive choices. It also displays your emotional attachment to the rules being followed. Either a rule is broken or it isn't. If it is, give the time-out and get ready to propel the next time-in.

If a rule hasn't been broken, the child is still in the game of success, thus far having chosen not to break the rule. You can commend that choice, because we all know the line could be crossed at any moment. The child skimming away from rule breaking is like the player with the ball who manages to avoid going out of bounds. Sometimes those plays get the loudest applause.

Having lower standards for one sibling who has "special needs."

It's true that difficult or intense children need a more intense application of this approach -- but equally strict enforcement of rules is imperative for every child in your household.

The intense, difficult or disabled (learning disabled, mentally ill or physically disabled) child needs stronger and more frequent positives, but he does not need different rules, special exceptions or warnings. The rules are the rules for everyone, and you can have very high standards in the rules you set as long as you never waver when it's time to enforce.

Children have an amazing way of complying with your expectations. If you reveal that you expect a child to screw up -- for example, by giving him a warning, a "look" or some even subtler message about that expectation -- the child is likely to do what you expect him to do. If you shine out that you know that every one of your children is great and equally capable of following the rules, they tend to comply with that expectation. Our society so often dilutes expectations for children with disabilities; as soon as the limits become fuzzy, the child quickly comes to see that dancing around and across the line leads to connection and relationship. Big leaks ensue.

It may take some time and effort on your part to stop revealing, through emotions or body language, that you expect less from one of your children than from the others, but until you do so, you'll be giving energy to negativity.

Once you get in the habit of giving consequences cleanly, and for even the most miniscule bit of rule breaking, you will find that leaks happen much less often.

Strictness and High Expectations
Strictness is not about being punitive or frightening to your children. It's about keeping the standard for desired behavior very high. It's about never wavering when it comes time to enforce a rule. Hold every child to the same standards, regardless of what has happened in the past.

Make your children as responsible as you can for their own actions. Make them think as much as possible. In my opinion, this is best achieved not by discussing and mediating problems as they occur, but by observing carefully and pointing out positive thinking and actions. When you see them choosing to avoid problems, clearly "accuse" them of doing so, and be crystal clear about how you've seen them making positive choices.

This creates a kind of accountability that lets your child know you believe in her. It lets her know that you count on her to address and solve her own problems and that you will make sure she experiences success when she does. Shine forth your faith in their competency in navigating their own lives. Be respectful, and make clear that their behavior is their decision. This can all be better accomplished by pointing out when competency is occurring and by avoiding the pitfalls of trying to teach competency when it isn't happening.

As you try to work with this approach, keep in mind the image of the three-legged table. If you lose a leg temporarily, work like crazy to keep the other two standing. Don't be in a hurry to solve the problem or straighten everybody out; your rush gives power to problems. If you keep that positivity leg standing, the answers will emerge.