If you haven't said it yourself, you've likely overheard a parent warning a child like this: "Stop it!" "Don't do that again!" "If you do that again..."

Conventional parenting and teaching techniques tell us that it's only fair to give children a warning or two before we hand down a consequence for unacceptable behavior.

Issuing a string of warnings, perhaps counting 1-2-3, or using some other staged warning system is considered a compassionate way of parenting and teaching.

In theory, warnings are supposed to deter a child from breaking a rule and therefore avoid discipline. But when we examine warnings from a child's perspective, especially a challenging child, we find that warnings are counter-productive to raising a child with strong self control.

Here are five ways that warnings weaken a child on the inside:

1. Warnings blur the boundaries. When boundaries aren't clear, children get confused about how life works. After all, where exactly is the boundary if it can be crossed, even a little bit, with only a warning? Or two, or sometimes three? The mere inconsistency of it will fascinate a challenging child, causing him to ask, "I wonder what will happen this time?" Children cannot excel in positive pursuits when rules, limits and consequences are unclear and inconsistent.

2. Warnings communicate mistrust. Warnings tell a child, "I don't trust that you're smart enough to remember the rules or wise enough to make good decisions." Most children know the rules better than the adults. But if adults consistently repeat the rules and issue warnings, children have no incentive to think for themselves, learn to remember the rules or practice the internal wherewithal of self control.

3. Warnings create negative self image:  When a child hears "Stop," "No," "Don't," "I told you," "Be careful" or the like time and again, the firsthand experience is, "I am always doing something wrong." Eventually, the core download is, "I must be bad" or "I must be stupid." Even the most compassionately-stated and well-intentioned warnings are all, in the end, a mixed-message learning experience for the child because they are in the context of misbehavior.

4. Warnings interrupt important lessons: Children are programmed to test limits. They simply must find the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and they must find out for themselves the consequences of breaking rules. Warnings mistakenly place all of the emphasis on NOT breaking the rules, rather than allowing children the firsthand experience of discovering for themselves how life works in the expanding context of their home first, then their classroom, and society. In an ideal parenting or teaching structure, the child discovers very quickly that there is nothing positive to be gained and no relationship to be had by breaking the rules. That satisfies the curiosity around rules, confirms that boundaries don't bend, and frees children to apply themselves to all the positivity and strong relationships that are available for living life within the rules, limits and common courtesies of our society.

5. Warnings are the first step to a pattern of negativity . Did you notice the caveat in No. 4 above - that the child discovers that there is nothing positive to be gained and no relationship to be had by breaking the rules? Unfortunately, conventional parenting, teaching and therapy usually provide the exact opposite - increasing amounts of time, attention, energy and relationship for increasingly bad behavior. That teaches a child that in order to gain those precious rewards from a cherished parent, teacher or therapist, he or she must misbehave, and continue misbehaving to keep that desired connection going. One warning turns into two, then three, then a heart-to-heart, a lecture, a punishment, with each step intensifying the adult-child interaction all centered around misbehavior. For the challenging child, this quickly develops into an addictive cycle of relationship based in negativity and failure.

A ban on warnings does not mean that an adult should not step in to protect life and limb, such as physically snatching a child from harm's way. The first and foremost responsibility of every adult is maintaining the safety of the children in our care.

So what does parenting and teaching look like without warnings? It is a system of clear rules that are scrupulously enforced in an unemotional manner. Each and every slightest infraction of the rules results in a consequence, just like in a sports game. That's how children learn the limits, test the limits, and quickly grow in self control by making choices and experiencing the consequences firsthand - all within in the safe confines that we call childhood.

© 2008 EnergyParenting.com

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