If everything you say to your child has the opposite effect of what you had in mind, your timing may be culprit.

The best "Tuesdays with Morrie" life lessons will backfire between the eardrum and the brain if they're offered to your child at the wrong time, especially if yours is a challenging or ADHD child.

Unfortunately, the conventional parenting model is hard-wired for bad timing. With most of us having been raised under that model ourselves, that means it's our default parenting style.

Conventional parenting is "upside down and inside out," says Howard Glasser, a greatness consultant and best-selling author of books about igniting greatness.  "It has parents attempting to teach the rules when they are being broken and important character qualities when they are not happening."

That usually produces the exact opposite of what the parent expects, Glasser says. "Challenging children are extremely experiential in nature, and lessons are absorbed only in the context of what's happening for the child."

Here are two examples to illustrate conventional timing for teaching rules and values/character; then we'll go over them again with the perfect timing model.

Question: When do we teach children about rules?
Answer: Usually when a child has just broken one.

Example: Your child says something that is disrespectful.

Typical parental reaction: "Johnny, that was disrespectful. I'm sure you didn't mean it. Say you're sorry right now." Perhaps parents can chide an easier-to-raise child into at least feigning an apology; but most likely the challenging child will not apologize and, if pressed, will defend his statement. That's about the time the parent apologizes on behalf of the child and makes haste to get some special one-on-one time with the offender to explain in copious detail exactly why disrespect is not OK.

While this parent is absolutely well-intentioned and hoping that the child internalizes the lesson of "next time I'll be respectful," Glasser says what's much more likely is that child downloads a firsthand experience of, "I am disrespectful."

Next question: When do we teach values?
Answer: Generally, when a child has just demonstrated its opposite.

Example: It's your daughter's responsibility to feed Fluffy, the puppy. You come home to find Fluffy whining at the pantry door where her food is stored and acting very hungry. Meanwhile, your daughter is in the living room watching TV.  You power off the TV and sit down for a sincere heart-to-heart. "Did you forget something, Elizabeth? Something you promised to do? If you can't be responsible, we can't keep the dog."

The parent hopes to instill the importance of taking seriously our responsibilities, with the intention that the child will try harder the next time to be responsible. But Glasser says this child's download is more likely, "I'm not responsible. I can't be trusted."

What both of these scenarios have in common is completely wrong timing. Repeat the poor timing enough times, and the child cements a self image of not only "I am disrespectful" or "I am not irresponsible," but eventually extends the concept further, believing, "I am bad."

"Imagine a folder in a computer that has two items in it," Glasser explains. "One is disrespect and the other is respect. If we habitually point and click on disrespect, the wisdom of the computer will always follow our lead and bring us down the pathway of disrespect. It has no other way of operating, unless we begin pointing and clicking on respect. Children operate in a similar fashion. They follow our lead as they learn, assimilate and eventually integrate the values we introduce to them. What we point to and click on and what we give our energy to is what is reinforced in the child."

Glasser's approach relies on perfectly timed parent-child interactions.

"We can certainly continue to give lectures, but we must reserve them for when they will shine light on aspects of the desired qualities, even when they emerge just a little bit," he says.

So in the preceding example about respect the parent with perfect timing could help Johnny click on his respect folder by noticing something as simple as saying 'Hello' properly to an adult. "Johnny, thank you for greeting Mrs. Smith so politely. That shows respect." Or perhaps Johnny shows respect for himself, his friends or his pets. That's OK; start there. Specific comments that "point and click" on respect as a desired attribute offer the child irrefutable evidence that, indeed, he is a child who shows respect.

In the other example, the time to expound on the merits of responsibility is when Elizabeth does feed the dog. "You are taking your responsibility seriously, Elizabeth. That shows me that you are a person who can be trusted. I respect that quality in you, and Fluffy is very happy too."

Parents can easily miss the perfectly-timed opportunities to point and click on great character qualities because these are simply expected behaviors. But Glasser cautions, "Don't assume that your child knows he is behaving great, good or even OK. Your child is in the process of developing impressions about himself and life. A child who has been living out a predominantly negative pattern of behavior for some time may well be under the impression, at any given moment, that he or she is doing something wrong, or not doing anything particularly positive. Help such a child size up both new and familiar situations in a favorable light."

That starts with seeing and saying what's right in your child's life: expected behaviors that you take for granted, and rules that aren't being broken and expressing appreciation for them.

But how does a parent avoid clicking on disrespect or irresponsibility - or any of the undesired folders - when the child is displaying those behaviors?

"When aspects of the undesired qualities rear their heads, the only real choice we have is giving a consequence," Glasser says, adding, "without the reward of our energy or relationship." That means simply saying, "time-out" or "reset" to the child in a completely neutral tone of voice and manner and turning away physically. No warnings, no lectures or lessons at that time. Then, in the very next moment, turning back to the child and pointing and clicking on a new success.

To get your timing right, just do a 180-degree shift from the conventional model so that you're teaching the rules when they are being followed and expounding on important character qualities in the moment that they are happening.

"To makes success unavoidable for your child," Glasser says, "it's your timing that matters.  As long as your words of wisdom come out when things are not going wrong, then your timing is right."

© 2009 ENERGYPARENTING.COM

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